HYYH NOTES by Love Yourself: 承 Her
I followed my father into the principal's office. It had a damp smell. It had been 10 days since I returned from America, I heard that I had to start a year lower because the education system was different. "I am leaving him in your hands," my father said. When he put his hands on my shoulders I flinched without knowing.
"School in general is a dangerous place, we need order and control." The principal said this while staring dead into my eyes. Every time he spoke, the fat around his wrinkly cheeks and mouth would shake. The inside of his lips were dark red. "Don't you think so as well?" I was hesitating at the abrupt question and my father squeezed my shoulders harder. The sensation caused shocks to go up and down the muscles of my neck. "I trust that you'll do well." The principal persistently continued to make eye contact and my father squeezed me tighter. He clenched his fists around my shoulders to the point that my bones felt like they would shatter. My body was shaking and dripping with cold sweat. "You have to tell me right now. Are you going to be a good student?" The principal asked me this with a straight face.
"Yes." I squeezed out a response and the pain disappeared. I heard the laughter of my father and the principal. I couldn't raise my head. I could only see the brown shoes of my father and black shoes of the principal. I didn't know where the light was coming from but it twinkled. I was scared of the light.
Seokjin,11 April YEAR 22
I went to the sea alone. Through the camera lens, the sea stretched far and wide. It was so blue. The light reflecting off the water and the wind in the trees were familiar sights. If you asked me if anything had changed, I would've answered by saying that it was me who changed as a person. Pressing the camera button, the scenery in front of my eyes changed to the day from 2 years and 10 months ago. It disappeared just as quickly. That day we had sat by the beach shoulder-to-shoulder. We were exhausted. We had nothing and had no idea of what the future held. The only thing we knew was that we were at least together.
Seokjin,15 August YEAR 22
I stepped on the brakes after realizing I had unknowingly increased my speed while driving away from the intersection. The cars behind me honked in annoyance and passed me. It sounded like somebody cursed at me, but I couldn't hear due to the city noise. I saw a small flower shop in the right alley corner. I didn't make a sudden stop because I'd seen the flower shop, but rather it felt like I'd seen the flower shop after making a sudden stop.
The store was under construction and I didn't have high expectations when I approached the owner tidying up in corner of the flower shop. I'd already visited a couple of flower shops, but none of those florists knew of the existence of this flower. They showed me flowers that looked similar in color, but I wasn't looking for something similar. The flower had to be the real one. The shop owner stared at my face after hearing the name of the flower. The owner then said the flower shop had not officially opened yet, but said they could deliver. They asked me why I needed that specific flower.
As I steered the wheel and entered the road again, I pondered the inquiry. The reason why I needed this specific flower, I had only one reason, was because I wanted to make them happy. I wanted to see them happy. I wanted to be a good person.
Yoongi,25 June YEAR 20
After the funeral ended there was a time when I returned to that house of ash left behind from the fire. When I entered my mother's room, the piano that was burnt to the point of nonrecognition caught my eye. I sank to the floor. I sat there as the sunlight shone through the window. In the midst of the last glimmers of sunlight a few keys rolled around. What kind of sound would I hear from the keys if I pressed on them? I thought about how many times my mother's fingers had touched them. From the pile of piano keys, I put one of them in my pocket and left the room.
It had been four years since then and the house was always quiet. The silence made people go crazy. After dad went to sleep at 10 p.m. everything became increasingly more quiet. It became suffocating. This was how everything functioned. I was tired because I had to live in such silence. I was tired because I had to follow a predetermined time-table. It wasn't simple to follow such a form. But what was significantly harder was living in that house, taking pocket money from Dad, eating dinner with him, listening to his scoldings. Whenever I had an argument with him, I always considered abandoning him and running away from home to live by myself. I never had the courage to actually do so.
I got up from bed and picked up the piano key from the dustbin under my study desk. I opened the window and the night breeze came in. The things that happened felt like a night breeze slapping me in the face. I used all of my strength to throw the piano key into the cold air. It had been 10 days since I last went to school. Even if I didn't want to, I assumed that I'd be kicked out. I didn't know if it was because of my deteriorated hearing, but I didn't hear the sound of the piano key dropping to the ground. No matter how hard I tried to imagine it, I didn't know what that piano key dropping to the ground sounded like. No matter how much time passed, that piano would not make a sound again. I told myself I would never play the piano again.
Yoongi,7 April YEAR 22
I stopped walking at the clumsy sound of a piano. The only sound in the empty construction site was the popping of a fire someone had lit in an oil drum. I knew the sound of the song that was playing. But why? My drunken footsteps stumbled. I closed my eyes and walked carelessly. As the heat of the fire grew, the piano sound, the night air, and my intoxication all grew fainter.
I opened my eyes at the sudden sound of a horn as a car grazed narrowly past me. In the confusion of the headlight's brightness, the wind of the car's passing, and my own drunkenness I stumbled helplessly. I heard the driver curse at me. As I came to a stop, prepared to curse right back, I suddenly realized I could no longer hear the sound of the piano. Amidst the sound of the blazing fire, the wind, and the silence left in the wake of the car, the piano sound was gone. It seemed to have stopped. Why had it stopped? Who was playing it?
The sparks from the fire surged forth from the drum barrel with a sharp noise. I looked at it for a long moment, spaced out. My face became hot with its warmth. It was at that moment I heard the clanging sound of a fist slamming down onto piano keys. On instinct I looked behind me. For a moment my blood rushed so rapidly that my breathing became erratic. The nightmares from when I was young. It was like a sound I'd heard there.
Suddenly I was running. Against my own will, I ran towards the music store. My body turned of its own volition to look behind. I felt somehow like that was something I had repeated countless times before. It was a sensation of having forgotten something important.
The music store had a broken window. Someone was sitting in front of the piano. Although many years had passed, I recognized them in an instant. The person was crying. Their hands curled into fists. I didn't want to be involved with someone else's life. I didn't want to comfort anyone else's loneliness. I didn't want to become a person who meant something to anyone. I had no confidence that I could protect them. I didn't have the confidence to be at their side until the end. I didn't want to hurt them. I didn't want to be hurt.
I walked slowly. I wanted to turn back and leave, but I approached them without realizing. A wrong note rang out of the piano. Jungkook lifted his head and looked at me. "Hyung."
It was our first time seeing each other since I quit high school.
Yoongi,8 June YEAR 22
I ruffled my hair and stood up from my spot. I heard the sound of a message notification. When I saw the three letters on my phone screen, all of my surroundings around me became brighter and my heart dropped with a “koong”. I broke the cigarette in half as I checked the message. The me in the mirror was smiling. I didn't know what was so great, but the me wearing a tight red colored t-shirt that had the word “dream” on it was smiling like a fool too.
Hoseok,15 September YEAR 20
Jimin's mother paced back and forth in the emergency room after checking that the name on the head of the bed and the IV drop were properly placed. She brushed a strand of grass from Jimin's shoulder with one finger. I approached hesitantly, feeling that I should tell her why Jimin was in the emergency room. I wondered whether or not to tell her about the seizure at the bus stop. Jimin's mother seemed to discover my presence, and she looked at me with a long evaluating gaze. I didn't know what to do so I stood still. Jimin's mother only said thank you and then turned back to him.
The next time Jimin's mother looked at me the doctor and nurses had started to move the bed. I moved to follow. Jimin's mother said thank you again and pushed at my shoulder. Rather than pushing, it would be more correct to say that she touched me slightly and then pulled her hand away. However, I suddenly felt an invisible line being drawn between Jimin's mother and myself. The line was sure and solid. It was cold and sturdy. It was a line that I could never surmount. I had lived at the orphanage for 10 years. I suddenly knew that something was wrong with my whole body, my sight, the air. In a moment of bewilderment I took a step back and fell to the floor. Jimin's mother looked vacantly down at me. Although she was a small, beautiful person, her shadow was large and cold. That shadow fell over me as I collapsed on the emergency room floor. When I lifted my head Jimin's bed had left the emergency room and could no longer be seen. After that day Jimin didn't come back to school.
Hoseok,25 February YEAR 21
I danced, not being able to take my eyes off of myself through the mirror. Everything became peaceful. Moving my body along with the music everything, apart from my feelings, was quiet.
The first time I danced I was 12 years old. I think it was for a talent show or retreat I went to. I stood on stage with all of my friends. The thing I remember the most from that day was the applause and the feeling of actually feeling like myself for the first time. Of course, back then I thought it was simply thrilling to move my body with the music. It was bliss, and I found out later on that that bliss wasn't coming from the applause but from within.
I was tied to a lot of things outside of the mirror. I couldn't stand having my feet touch the ground even if it was for a few seconds. Even if I hated it I smiled. Even when I was sad I smiled. I took pills that I didn't need and fainted no matter the location. That's why when I danced I tried not to look away from my reflection in the mirror. It was a time when I could be myself, fly and drop all of the heavy burdens. It was a time when I gained hope that I could become happy. I wast at peace with the idea of looking at myself during those times.
Hoseok,31 May YEAR 22
I looked away and felt my breathing stop all of a sudden. Although my breathing had been shaky due to dancing for a long time, it wasn't the same feeling. I thought about how I was like my mother. No, it wasn't a thought. It wasn't a form of recognition. It wasn't something I could explain. I couldn't even look at my friend who I've known for over 10 years now. We learned how to dance together, failed together, and even gained strength together. Because of how much we were sweating, there were times we laid down and threw towels at each other playing around. This feeling felt like something I had never been able to feel. I stood up from my spot. I leaned against the wall. I tried to calm down my breathing, but I heard “where are you going Hoseok” from somewhere. A voice, it could have been any voice. The voice called out “Hoseok”. It could've been any voice yet it made me think about a 7 year old me from a time I couldn't even remember.
Namjoon,15 May YEAR 20
"You must survive".
I unconsciously doodled those words onto the paper. Among all dark lead powder and doodling, I was suddenly reminded of poverty, parents, dongsaengs, moving, and other messy things.
I folded the paper into a ball, put it into my pocket and got up from my seat. Dust was everywhere again when I put the table back. As I got ready to leave I fogged up the window with my breath, and wrote 4 words. It was not enough at the moment, but it could be conveyed to everyone even if unsaid. "We will meet again." I hoped that this could be a promise between us.
Namjoon,11 April YEAR 22
I was digging through a shirt sale that didn't cost much when Taehyung reached from behind and took a shirt. It had the same phrases printed on it as my shirt. Taehyung smiled at me and took his ripped shirt off. Hoseok looked at me with shocked eyes. Taehyung wore my t-shirt and looked at himself through my dirty mirror. He laughed.
“I was late because he wanted to do graffiti and got caught by the police. I had to pull him out.” I pretended that I was getting angry at Taehyung, and Taehyung acted like he was really sorry. Yoongi, who was sitting in the corner of my trailer, walked towards us and hit Taehyung on the shoulder.
Namjoon,30 June YEAR 22I looked a little strangely at myself in the mirror. As if my hand had its own control, I pressed the ‘open door’ button. There were moments like this. Moments that felt like I had repeated countless times even though it was obviously the first time. The elevator door that was closing opened again and a bunch of people pushed in. A person that had their hair tied in a yellow rubber band caught my eye. I didn't press the ‘open’ button knowing that the person would be there, but I thought that it was obvious that the person should be there. I moved back, one step at a time. As my back hit the cold wall I raised my head. The yellow rubber band caught my eye.
A person's back told a lot of stories. But I only understood a few of them. Some I had been able to faintly guess and some I couldn't understand. I suddenly came to the realization that you could only really know a person when reading everything just from their back. Were there people who could read who I was just by looking at my back? I raised my head and made eye contact with them through the mirror. They looked away. There were many moments like this. I raised my head again, but all I could see was my own face. I couldn't see my back.
Jimin,30 August YEAR 19
While Hoseok hyung was answering a call, I played around by stepping on hyung's shadow. Hoseok hyung bursted into laughter and said "Jimin has grown up". It took 2 hours to walk home from school. If you took the bus it was less than 30 minutes. It would be too little if you said it took 20 minutes. Hyung always lead me through shortcuts, alleys or even old bridges. We would stubbornly walk this route. It had been a year since I was discharged from the hospital and transferred schools. School was far from home and I didn't know anybody. I thought it was fine. I had transferred schools many times and who knew when I would be admitted to the hospital again. I thought that this would be nothing much.
At that time I met Hoseok hyung. It was just after the start of the new semester. Hyung approached me and stayed with me for 2 hours. I only found out a long time later that our homes weren't even in the same direction. I didn't ask why he stayed with me. I was hoping in my heart that the 2 hours under the sun could be lengthened.
After teasing Hyung during his call and stepping on his shadow I ran away. Hyung hung up the call and chased after me. Under the heat of the sun my ice cream melted. I heard the song of the cicadas. I found that I was suddenly scared. How long would these days last?
Jimin
28 September YEAR 20
I stopped counting a few days after I was hospitalized. Counting was something you'd do when you wanted to get out. Counting was something you'd do when you thought there was hope of getting out. The trees and leaves, far off outside of the window, still looked like a colorful painting. Due to this observation, I knew not that much time had passed. At most, a little more than a month could have passed. The medicine made everything boring and dull. Even so, today was a special day. The kind of day you'd have to write about in a diary. But I didn't have a diary. I didn't want to have any problems to write about anyway. Today I lied for the first time. I looked into the doctor's eyes and pretended to be gloomy. "I don't remember a thing."
Jimin,3 July YEAR 22
In the end I sprawled out on the floor. I turned off the music and all at once my surroundings were quiet. I heard nothing except the sound of my breathing and my own beating heart. I pulled out my phone and played the choreography video I learned previously that morning. In the video hyung's movements were smooth and accurate. That was the result of countless hours and sweat. It was the result of practice. Since I was nowhere near that I was incredibly jealous. Understanding and hoping were different. I was discontented often. I suddenly stood up again. I imitated the turn as he'd done it, but my steps kept getting tangled. I kept making mistakes at the part where we had to match our flow when moving positions. We had decided to try again tomorrow, but until then I wanted to show that I was serious. Rather than the playful praise of "that was better than I expected" I wanted to be recognized as a serious and equal partner, one who could match breaths with hyung.
Taehyung,29 December YEAR 10
I entered the living room after taking off my shoes and dropping my bag. Dad was inside. I didn't think of how long it had been since I last saw him or where he had been. I just ran into his embrace. I couldn't recall clearly what happened afterwards. Did I first smell the alcohol? Did I hear him curse at me? Or was I slapped by him? I didn't know what actually happened. He reeked of alcohol, his breathing was rough, and he had foul breath. His eyes were bloodshot and his beard was unkempt. Then he used his fist to hit me, asked me what I was looking at, and hit me again. He lifted me high into the air. Although his bloodshot eyes were scary, I couldn't bring myself to cry. I was too scared. That was not my dad. No, he was, but he didn't feel like it. I kicked my legs in the air. Suddenly my head hit the wall and I fell to the floor. I felt like my head was going to explode. My sight became blurry and gradually darkened. For awhile all I could hear in my mind was my dad's breathing.
Taehyung,22 May YEAR 22
I passed by the area of trees again where I received hyung's call. Recently that thing had continued to happen. I moved to a place where no one could hear me. I purposely slowed down my pace and hid myself near the sea. Hyung didn't see me and simply passed by. "Aren't you just one year older than me? Whatever. It's not something you have to be responsible for anyway. I'll take care of it."
There was something cold that climbed up my back only to disappear. Everything in my world seemed to have collapsed. It was as if I was struggling in the deep sea, making others feel cold and scared, tragic and lonely. I was angry. I felt that I couldn't tolerate it anymore. I wanted to stop everything. I wanted to hit him, but that smaller part of me was still scared. My Dad's blood inherently flew in my veins as well. His DNA was my DNA. Was there violence in me too? There was something that wanted to burst out of my tightly wound body.
Taehyung,25 June YEAR 22
I purposely slowed my footsteps and perked my ears up at the sound that someone walking behind me. Today was the third time we had met at the convenience store. If there was something that was different, it was that today they had run away as soon as they saw me. Then they hung around in a small vacant lot behind the store. As soon as I appeared they hid again. They hid themselves well, but their shadow was reaching far towards the front of the abandoned lot. I laughed. I passed by pretending not to see. They started to follow me.
I entered a narrow alley. This was the only place in our neighborhood where the streetlamps weren't broken. The alley was long and the streetlamp was located somewhere in the middle. When the source of light was ahead my shadow stretched behind. My shadow probably stretch all the way to the feet of the person who was following me with bated breath. As I passed beneath the streetlamp, my shadow disappeared beneath my feet. I started walking a little faster. Not long after a shadow that wasn't mine appeared on the cement road. I stopped my steps. The presence behind me stopped too. The two shadows of different heights stopped side by side.
I spoke. "I'm going to wait until you come here." The shadow jumped. It held still as if saying it wasn't there. "I can see everything " I pointed out the shadow. The sound of footsteps started to grow closer, purposefully noisy. I laughed.
Jungkook,25 June YEAR 20
I gently touched the piano keys with my fingertip. It left my finger smudged with dust. Even when using the slightest pressure of my finger to press down on the keys, the piano still let out a sound different from the ones hyung would play. Hyung hadn't been to school for ten days. Today I heard that he'd been expelled. Namjoon hyung and Hoseok hyung didn't say anything. I didn't say anything because I was scared to hear the answer. Two weeks ago, before the teacher had revealed our secret location, there was only me and hyung here. There was an open inspection that day. I didn't want to remain in class so I ran to that place. Hyung didn't look back, just played the piano as I laid on two joint desks to take a nap. In theory, hyung and the piano exist as two separate entities, but it was hard to view them apart. I didn't know why, but hearing hyung's playing made me want to cry.
When it felt as if the tears would soon fall I hastily turned onto my back. Just then, the door opened with an explosive bang. The piano music stopped. I was slapped so hard I fell to the ground. I huddled on the floor, listening to the barrage of angry words thrown at me. Eventually the sound stopped. I turned and saw that hyung had pushed the teacher back. He sheltered me with his whole body. Past hyung's shoulders, I could see the angry expression on the teacher's face.
I pressed the piano keys again trying to play a tune hyung used to play. Had hyung really been expelled? Will I ever see him again? Hyung said before that getting a beating was routine for him. If it wasn't for me, hyung wouldn't have hit the teacher. If it wasn't for me, hyung would still be here playing the piano.
Jungkook,11 April YEAR 22
I finally fulfilled my wish. When I saw the delinquents on the street I purposely bumped into them and got beaten up. I couldn't help but laugh as they beat me. My laughter lead them to call me crazy and hit me harder. I leaned against the shutters and looked at the dark sky. It was late at night. There was nothing to see in the sky. I saw grass that reminded me of how I felt- easily blown over by the wind. I felt the tears coming and purposefully made myself cry.
When I closed my eyes I saw an image of my stepfather clearing his throat. My stepbrother continuously kicking me while laughing. My stepfather's relatives would look elsewhere or talk about meaningless things. It was as if I didn't exist as if I was nothing. In front of them my mother stood helplessly. I started coughing from the dust. My chest hurt as if someone had taken a knife to it. I climbed up the roof of the construction site. The dark colors of the night seemed to overshadow the city. I walked on top of the railing, holding out both of my hands for balance. In that moment I nearly stumbled and fell. The brief moment reminded me that I could easily die if I just took one more step. Would death bring the end of anything? No one would be sad if I wasn't around.
Jungkook,16 July YEAR 22
I stood by the window with my headphones on humming softly to the song. It had been a week. I didn't have to look at the lyrics to sing along to the song anymore. I took the headphones off one ear to listen to my soft voice. Although I liked the beautiful lyrics they still made me shy. I scratched my head. The huge window let in the bright sunlight of July. The trees swayed gently in the wind. Every time the light shined on my face it felt different. I closed my eyes. Closing my eyes filtered out the light. I started singing again. I didn't know if it was because of the lyrics, or the song, or what, but it felt as if my heart had been painfully broken.
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